The Bell Jar Reflection #9

Chapters 10-11 (pgs. 92-114)

The next morning, Esther takes the train home from New York.  She is all torn up from the night before and she does not have any clothes except the ones on her body since she threw them all off of the roof.  As soon as she gets to the station, her mother is there to meet her.  She tells Esther the bad news that she did not get accepted into the writing program that she had hoped to.  Esther feels awful.  She had planned on getting into that program and now she has no idea what she wants to do with her life.  I feel really bad for Esther, I had hoped she would get in as well. 

She goes home and goes immediately to her bed and lies down since she is exhausted.  She talks about her white house in the suburbs that she and her mother live in and she talks about some of her neighbors, one named Mrs. Ockenden who told on her for kissing a boy outside of her house, and one named Mrs. Dodo Conway who has seven children.  Esther’s friend Jody who she had planned to live with while she completed her writing course called her to see what the plan was and Esther quickly shut her down.  Also, Esther makes plans to write a book, but shuts down that plan as well.  I feel like Esther is doing nothing with her life and becoming more miserable as each day goes on.  She goes to the doctor on day to get prescribed more sleeping pills, because she cannot sleep, and the doctor refers her to a psychiatrist.  I am really starting to worry about Esther at this point. 

She goes to a psychiatrist named Dr. Gordon hoping that he can help her.  She has not changed clothes, showered, or slept in weeks.  She quickly decides that she does not like her psychiatrist though and only tells him what she wants for him to know.  He tells her to come back next week and Esther’s mother is not happy since Dr. Gordon is so expensive.  Next, there is a small episode of Esther flirting with a sailor.  He is many years younger than her and they become very touchy until Esther thinks she sees Buddy Willard’s mother.  She was just hallucinating though.  I think that this episode was unnecessary; I guess they just included it to show even more of Esther’s craziness.  Esther goes back to Dr. Gordon the next day and he becomes very worried about her.  He tells her mother that she needs to have a shock treatment done at a hospital nearby.  Esther tries to get out of it by running away but she realizes that she has no time or money.  She sees an article about a man who almost jumped off of a seven story building.  This really opens up her eyes to the idea of suicide and now I am really starting to get scared that she might try something suicidal soon.