The Bell Jar Reflection #14

Chapters 18-19 (pgs. 176-192)

Esther awakens and the climax of the book happens.  Esther feels free and she feels as if the bell jar that she was once enclosed under had lifted and was now suspended above her head.  Dr. Nolan explains that with a few more weeks of shock treatments, Esther should be back to normal.  Esther cannot wait, being as she now has a new excitement for life. 

Esther gets back to her room and shortly after, Joan brings her a letter from Buddy Willard.  We learn that Joan used to date Buddy as well; however, she says that she never really liked him, she just liked his mother.  She was the kind, loving mother she never had.  Esther’s letter states that Buddy may come to visit her later.  Esther is surprised to find that she would not mind if he came.  Later that day, Esther walked in to Dee Dee’s room to get some sheet music, and she catches Dee Dee in the bed with Joan.  Esther has no idea what they are doing, but then she realizes that they must be having an affair.  She becomes confused and talks to Dr. Nolan about how she just does not see what women see in other women.  Near the end of the chapter, Esther realizes that women should have the same rights as men and they should be able to get away with sleeping around if they wanted to so she goes to the doctor to get birth control.  This was written in the time when women and men still weren’t treated equally and also when birth control was fairly new.  Esther is successful in getting the medicine, but as she waits in the waiting room she wonders why she is not maternal like most of the other women she knows. 

When the next chapter begins, Joan is telling Esther about her dream to be a psychiatrist one day.  Esther finds this humorous being as she is seeing psychiatrists herself at the time.  They also talk about how they will miss each other, being as they know Esther will be released soon.  Next, we read the statement “It hurts.  Is it supposed to hurt?” (pg.184)  I was confused at first, but then as we read on we find out that Esther is losing her virginity.  She went out that night and met a man named Irwin.  He seemed very nice and smart and he invited her out for coffee, and then later back to his room.  While they are at his house, another woman comes to his door dressed quite scandalously.  Esther realizes that Irwin must get many women, but she does not care.  She just wants to lose her virginity to a stranger and have no connection with him afterwards.  Esther exclaims that she feels a sharp pain, and after they stop having sex she notices that she is bleeding profusely.    Esther gets Irwin to drop her off with Joan and Joan takes her to the hospital.  They tell Esther that her case is very abnormal; however they get her help.  A few days later, the doctor comes in and tells Esther some very devastating news though.  She tells her that Joan was found in the woods, dead.  I feel really bad for Esther.  I feel like she will feel Esther’s death was her fault.